Monday, May 9, 2011

Reality Smack

It's that time of the year when all of my doctor's appointments are grouped within a two week time frame. They want to compare notes on how everyone's poking and prodding of me went. Like anyone who has a chronic disease or condition you become a professional at the doctor's office. No confirmation call necessary and you always have exact change for the co-pays and, most importantly, you always know where the remote control is hiding. Rheumatologist, cardiologist, pulmonologist and neurologist. I think that about sums it up for the past week or so.

My rheumey moved west so I had my first appointment with the new doctor (I will call him Dr. McSchweatyfrompenstein). It wasn't good. I'm a tough customer. There was an interview process and I will not be hiring him. First, he was portly and sweaty. I know, I know. He could be a good doctor give him a chance. Nope. Not going to happen. Strike one. Second, when he was examining my nose I could smell his nasty cigarettey hands. Ick. Strike two. Third, he asked how I got a bruise and some cuts and I told him it was on a mountain bike. He told me it was time to find a new hobby. Strike three. No good. I could go on. These are just the top three. Wait. No. I really must go on. Here are a few of his questions with the answers I had to keep to myself (so, so hard):

What's wrong with your feet? What's wrong with your face? Why are you sweating so much? Did you run here? That is the question. I don't even want to imagine what your feet look like. Barf. Hairy Fred Flinstones with talons, I presume.

Beauty-Full. Broken, mangled, Linscott freak finger-toes and all.

What is that from? A pedal. I explained and acted out my coming out of the pedal in a rock garden and the pedal cracking me in the shin. Still a blank stare. Seriously, I'm not a battered woman. Let's move on.

Did you fall? Meaning: Are you a battered wife? Did you have a memory lapse? We just covered this. Hmmm...I think we went over this mountain biking in the woods thing.

You want to start IVs again? Do you want to go on Jenny Craig and the patch? Do I need to? Do you have a reason to do so? I don't feel that crappy yet. No. Not happening yet. Seriously. At least get my blood work back before you go to that. WTF.

The best part is I go to see my cool cardiologist the next day and I told him I went to see Dr. McSchweatyfrompenstein. He looked at me and laughed and said, "Well, knowing you I know that did not go well." No. No it did not. "Are you going to be good and keep your Holter Monitor on for a day next week? Can you not sweat profusely or rip it off for a full 24 hours?" See. He knows how to talk to me. I can't promise him anything but I sure will try.

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