Breathe

This week a few people in my life have pointed out that I need to relax and breathe. I know it. I just have a hard time with the implementation and follow-through. Hmmmm. I guess that means I have issues with all of it. I've been trying. Relaxing and breathing aren't really my strong suits. Let's just say Mike is not the only maniac in the family. I just seem to hide my crazy a little better (sometimes, at least). When I get flared-up my anxiety gets worse and then I feel worse and I feel more stressed and round and round we go...

I still haven't been able to do much. I did get out this morning. I planned on so much more but really I should have stayed in bed for the extra couple of hours. I knew it wasn't good when I had to stand to get up a tiny hill by our house on a reasonable gear. Usually, I can just sit this hill on a much bigger gear. Today it felt like hot death. This set the tone for the ride. I knew it wasn't going to be good. I have a habit of getting angry at my body and subsequently enjoy kicking the crap out of it. It's not a good quality to have. Normally, I would go out and ride way too long and way too hard with a body that really should be resting. So I did the smart thing for once and I pedaled easy. I really tried to enjoy it and pedaled around the neighborhood and lake. It's so hard to do when doubt creeps in and I feel like I'm losing every bit of fitness I've gained.

I wish I could be one of those people who loved meditation and was one who really could 'Honor thy Body'. I've tried meditation. Some days were okay. Most of the time I just counted down the minutes until the class was over or tried to match the people with the odd smells in the room. I know I should honor my body and listen to it. It's really hard when it's your damn body that's causing all of these problems. It's not like I can blame a tumor, a virus or something that shouldn't be there. It's my body that's doing this. Some times I don't trust what it says and a lot off the times I really don't like what it has to say.

The real reality check came yesterday when I went to go see one of my doctors. My favorite one, actually. He's an Ironman and has an auto-immune disease, so it goes without saying that I have a lot of respect for him. He refers to me as "The Maniac". I got a lecture and a reminder of 2009. He asked, "Shall we talk about 2009?" I don't like to talk about 2009. I dug myself a hole so deep it's taken me three years to dig out of. I was in and out of hospitals and doctor's offices. That's not something I want to go back to. I was not well. He suggested a meditative yoga class and visualization. Really? I was ready for him to laugh and say he wanted the video of me attempting these feats, but he was deadpan serious. Sensing the horror that I was feeling he continued with, "or I'm going to give you a script for Xanax because you need to chill out." Okay, then. I will try it. Maybe. I don't know. Talk about anxiety. Geesh.

So I'm trying. I think. I mean I am. I got a name of a place in Warwick that I'm going to look into. I think it's the same place (with a new name) I went to for a Hatha yoga class when we first moved and as I was getting ready to walk into the class the full name was on the door:  Hatha Yoga: For the Recovering Addict and Alcoholic. Needless to say I turned around. I'm hoping they have one with the following title: Meditative Yoga: For the Self-Induced Stress Junkie.