Craptastic

I really don't want to bitch, nor do I want or expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I've actually been doing really well lately. So this latest flare-up stings a little more than usual. This is more of a vent of sorts. I've had some bad days here and there, but I haven't had a bad week in a month or so. This has turned into a bad week. I'm just frustrated and pissed at my body. So upset in fact that I was drowning my sorrows in dark chocolate and coffee at 6:30 am this morning.  Not really the best breakfast for someone at the height of inflammation, but it made me feel a little better mentally. When I realized I wasn't magically cured overnight and had to put the kibosh on going to the short track race, I was depressed and chocolate seemed like the way to go. It has a calming and yet uplifting effect on me so I figure it for a natural cure of sorts. 

I knew it was coming all week. The little indicators: having trouble opening things, having a bad case of the 'dropsies', walking up stairs and being horribly out of breath, muscle cramps, resting HR over 100...When I feel well I can sleep through the night. I haven't been sleeping well and have been having horrible night sweats. Mouth sores, muscle weakness, joint pain, fatigue, low grade fever...and the pleurisy is in full effect. The weather really is not helping. I have a really hard time with the weather. I talked to my best friend on Thursday and she pointed out that I sounded breathy and tired and that I was on the verge of a flare-up. Unfortunately, she's always right. She grew up with a father who has an auto-immune disease and she has this weird sense about her that pisses me off. She can look at my face, my gait and even hear it in my voice over the phone. It's nice to have someone who understands, but sometimes I really hate that she's always right. 

I imagine this scene when my ankles wake me up at night:



So I wait. That's really all I can do.When my breathing gets like this it's hard for even me to believe I can ride a bike for multiple hours. I dread walking to a store from a parking lot on days like this. No errands, no cleaning (yeah, like that was happening anyway)... all I can do is wait and hold down the couch and catch up on all the girlie shows I'm too embarrassed to say I watch.